Some days.....
when it seems that you've finally "gotten over" losing someone you've loved with everything you have, something comes along that just punches you in the gut, and you're right back where you started. Maybe you never really get over it, and it's always there just waiting for you to let your guard down. I don't know. But the feeling's back, and it isn't good. I guess all I can do is just keep on pushin' on.
posted by Elsie | 6:09 AM
4 Comments:
Elsie, I must have missed something significant, but going back over your previous posts, I'm still not sure what it was. Anyway, hope you recover your strength and resolve quickly. Lots of life yet to be lived...
Yep - day by day, as trite as it sounds.
A few years ago when a friend absolutely gutted and humiliated me, I swear I was thrown to the pits of hell. I mananged to keep a journal throughout the experience, then turn it into a sort of humorous/serious "How-to for Hell" piece.
Bottom line - just keep breathing. And every once in a while when I'm slammed by the thing, as you've been slammed, I get out the old journal and the humor piece and think, By God, I made it through - and came out "well-tempered" on the other side. (thumbing nose at ex-friend)
Just breathe, Elsie. ;-)
"well-tempered", I like that, for it well describes the best response to the slings and arrows. In the original meaning of the expression "sea changed" (it is now often confused with the idea of changed tack), it was in reference to the slow but constant change wrought by exposure to the sea, as in a stone being rounded over years and years. As days mount up, each day's joys and sorrows and how we allow ourselves to be cured by them, is what makes for "character".
In my periodic funks, I almost always rediscover after a short time, that I am indulging in a bit of self pity. I remember that my lost one loved me, would smile and be okay with me however I might choose, but be happier to see me smile, wipe the tears away, and get back in the game, even when I can find no resonable argument for "why?". Because one IS alive.
In a matter of days if not hours, I will have completely changed, and life is glorious again. All adding up to "this too, shall pass".
Now, what are your little ones up to, and, how is the sailing season faring? Myself, I must pump up the air in the ol' two wheeler, to ride down to my friend where I had "New Years" dinner last night. She has promised me a care package with a bunch of the best brisket I ever had, leftovers! (My new bumper sticker, "Will Bike For Brisket!).
Dear Winston, it warms my heart that someone I don't really know is out there in this great big world caring about me. Life is pretty darned good.
Mary, I've been thinking about a journal for a long time. I kept one for years as a kid. It helped me sort out my feelings then, and probably would now.
I can't imagine how it must feel to be so brutally betrayed by a friend. I'm so sorry you had to experience something so hurtful. My friend left, not by choice, but by an abrupt, shocking, sudden death. I thought I'd "gotten over it," but in one moment, one thought of "I can't wait to tell him" and then realizing that that could never happen, I became unhinged. But now I have taken many deep breaths and counted all this life's blessings that I do have, including wonderful blogging friends like you.
And Peter, sometimes it feels like you're my brother, knowing me too well. I did have my own little pity party for a few hours but then thought about my friend and how he chose to live his life. So, even when there are moments of extraordinary grief and sadness, I will try to live my life with all the passion and joy my friend shared with me. You remind me of him in many ways.
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